Three Stupid Stories (Part 1)
- Faber
[Ed. Note: Today! Part one of a three part series that Faber emailed to me called "Three Stupid Stories From Faber's Stupid Life: The Drunkard Chronicles".
I'm sure you're all riveted, but hey it's more original content than I've given you lately. -Alex)
It rains a lot because God hates gays
Sitting in a small roadside diner in Winona Minnesota I met a man named Ray, here begins my first stupid story.
I couldn?t help starting a conversation with Ray because he hit my car in a drunken stupor, driving into the parking lot. I didn?t bother getting his non-existent insurance information and soon all was forgiven. I found that what Ray lacked in car insurance could easily be made up for in wisdom and intellectual conversation. Ray smelled a lot like whiskey and looked a lot like Rodney Daingerfield from ?Natural Born Killers.? I knew right away that this would be a meeting to remember.
Instantly, he began to hit me with several jokes about the female anatomy, each more awful and repugnant than the last. He astounded me with jokes I wouldn?t repeat to Jake or Loomis on my worst day. Unfortunately, Ray?s love for Windsor Canadian Whiskey inhibited his ability to tell these jokes in his library voice. No matter, I soon changed the subject to how much I admired his wit and gentleman like demeanor. He appreciated my candor and continued to dispense the wisdom.
The subject naturally switched to the weather. This was a few years ago in Winona and we were getting an incredible amount of rain. I asked him if it was going to stop anytime soon (assuming that Ray would have the answer) ?I?ll tell you when it?ll stop raining? Ray stammered, ?It?ll stop raining when we round up them fags! Ya see God hates the gays, and so he?s hitting us with all of this rain to let us know it.? I was instantly astounded with this logic. ?Really man, so this is a biblical amount of rainfall?? Ray replies impatiently, ?I didn?t say that man! Don?t put words in my mouth; I?m just saying it?s about God?s hatred for the gays.? I stood corrected and apologized for my stupidity.
The conversation went well over the hour that I was allotted for lunch. I paid the price by being written up at work, but who the fuck cares at that point. Ray was a prophet of rage. We went on to talk about the Twins. Actually, he had some great thoughts on their situation at the time as well. Oddly enough, abortion was stopping the Twins from having a solid team. I chuckled at this, and he let me know in short order that I had better not laugh, ?Its not funny man, killing babies plays a real role in the way our world works.? Again, not wanting to question his logic, I moved on. We talked about Satan?s many forms (mainly women like Hilary Clinton) and all sorts of fun stuff.
Anyway, I found that Ray?s insights were very helpful in the advancement both my professional and personal life. Not in the way that I can or ever would repeat any of his sentiments (mainly because I?m not insane) but this was my first year out of the bubble that is St. Olaf College. It was nice to see what else was out there.
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