Worst Song... Ever
- Wade
Warning: This Gambit may cause particularly awful songs to get stuck in your head for the remainder of the day. Proceed with caution.
The good folks at Blender magazine apparently have too much time on their hands. Either that or I'm jealous that I don't have their job. Regardless, the mag has taken a swing at the 50 worst songs ever for their May issue. Fun fun fun.
The top ten, with commentary by yours truly. Drumroll, Anton.
10. "Ebony and Ivory" - Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney
Yeah, I can see this. Thinking of this song burns a big red 1981 in my head. I'm not much for McCartney to begin with, and combine his wimpy voice with stupid lyrics ("side by side on my piano keyboard oh lord why don't weeeeeee") makes it a truly awful song. The Eddie Murphy / Joe Piscopo "cover" from SNL in the early 80s has merit, though.
9. "American Life" - Madonna
I have no idea what this song is. Her cover of "American Pie" is godawful, if that helps.
8. "Party All the Time" - Eddie Murphy
Eddie. Eddie. Ed. Stick with the comedy and movies, kay? Wait... just stick with the comedy.
7. "Don't Worry Be Happy" - Bobby McFerrin
It's an annoying little jingle, I suppose. And the fact that the video features Robin Williams doesn't help matters anyway. But I still think that McFerrin's a creative genius, and this song doesn't deserve to be panned.
6. "The Heart of Rock and Roll" - Huey Lewis and the News
Are you kidding me? This song exemplifies 80's rock. I'd still like it if it weren't for that damn saxamaphone solo.
5. "Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice
Because I own this tape, the "Cool as Ice" soundtrack, and the Unofficial Vanilla Ice biography, I'll withhold comment. Word to your mother.
4. "Rollin" - Limp Bizkit
Like much of the dreck that qualifies as music today, I don't know if I'd call "Rollin" a song. More like screaming and distorted guitar. I guess I shouldn't complain, at least the song features actual instruments. There are much worse songs than this.
3. "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" - Wang Chung
Awful. Just awful. Wang Chung tonight, indeed. Remember the video? Cut shots of, um, Wang walking around what appears to be a middle school gymnasium.
2. "Achy Breaky Heart" - Billy Ray Cyrus
Again, no need for comment. Well, one comment. Look at this. Never losing his values, common sense and "fish out of water" demeanor, Clint adjusts to an urban lifestyle, forming new relationships and stumbling upon new adventures along the way.
1. "We Built This City" - Jefferson Starship
Excellent call. There's probably something even more heinous out there, but (thankfully) my brain is preventing me from thinking of it right now. Read the lyrics. Vomit. Repeat as necessary.
Whew. Pretty painful. Maybe someday I'll try to come up with my own top ten worst songs. For now, though, I'm going to try to get rid of the painful memories of the ones above...
You can tell your ma / Go back to Arkansas / You can tell my feet to hiAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!
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