Meet my son, ESPN.

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From an article on startribune.com:

Some parents naming children after prized possesions
Jenny Deam, Denver Post

Think of it as the ultimate product endorsement.

With American parents straying farther afield each year in the search for the perfect baby name, a small but strange subtrend of naming children after prized possessions has emerged.

Meet my son, the car. Or hiking boot. Or can of peas.

According to Social Security Administration research, out of the 4 million babies born nationwide in 2000, 55 Chevys, six Timberlands and seven DelMontes are about to enter preschool.

And that's just the boys. Let's not forget the girls. Consider the 25 Infinitis, five Celicas, 164 Nauticas, 298 Armanis and 21 L'Oreals who turn 3 this year.

Cleveland Evans, a psychology professor at Bellevue University in Nebraska and longtime member of the American Name Society, is credited with spotting and documenting this trend.

A 25-year fascination in baby naming led the professor to hook up with a Social Security researcher who had run a special computer program. From it, the researcher analyzed all the babies born in 2000 and their names, culling from the list the weirdest of the weird.

From there it was just a matter of a good working knowledge of the liquor aisle and car lot.

For example, while the name Sky (or Skye) has been a possibility for awhile, Evans knew he was dealing with a specialized taste when he ran across 29 little Skyys -- the spelling a tipoff to an apparently inspirational relationship with vodka. Six were boys, 23 girls.

Or, perhaps, it was an after-dinner cognac that put those millennium parents-to-be in the mood for love. Seven boys born in 2000 were named Courvoisier.

And if some names reflect the conception, others say a little something about a painful labor and delivery. Five children were named Darvon.

"These aren't even the weirdest ones," Evans says. For a name to make the Social Security list, it had to appear somewhere in the country at least five times.

So much for the little boy in Texas whose parents named their son ESPN (pronounced Espen). As far as Evans knows, only two babies in 2000 were named after a sports network. The other ESPN was reportedly born in Michigan a few months before.

Evans has quantified the product-as-baby name list only once as the Social Security Administration now only releases the most popular names rather than the oddest.

Some names have distinctly regional flavors. In an analysis of babies born in Colorado in 1998 (those now entering kindergarten) Evans found not one, but two, named Buckshot. They were boys. Another child was named Annex. It was a girl.

So what exactly does this say about us as a society?

"Hey, we live in a material world. No matter what you might think of it, there's no escaping it," says Janette Benson, an associate psychology professor at the University of Denver who specializes in early childhood development.

"Names carry weight and value," she adds. "What children are named reflects more about the values of the parents than their children."

Where to begin?

Chevy - ok, I can see that...there is a Chevy Chase (the actor and the city and the bank).

Timberland - um... what? I guess he can go by Tim for short. So while it's stupid, at least the kid will have some refuge.

DelMonte - as in the canning company? Who goes to their pantry and goes, "Olive, no. Campbell, no. Delmonte stewed tomatoes?...yes!" At least the kid can go by Del, which used to be a name more in fashion.

Infiniti - So, you want your little girl to grow up and be a stripper?

Celicas - So, you are poor and want your girl to grow up and be a stripper?

Nautica - 164 of them? That's more than the all the previous names combined? These people should have their daughters taken away.

Armani - You can't be serious.

L'Oreal - so your child is a living breathing advertisment for make-up?

Skyy - Again with the stripper names...this time a stripper and an alcoholic!

Courvoisier - I'm not even sure I can comment on this one...maybe the Ladies Man was more popular than I thought.

Darvon - popular pain reliever! Maybe the male equivalent of Darva?

ESPN - no... no... a thousand times no! Not only should these people have their children taken away, they should be surgically rendered infertile.

Seriously, what is wrong with people? I don't think everyone should be named Michael or John, but naming a child isn't a game! These kids will have to live with this name.

The last paragraph hits it on the head. These names are a reflection of the priorities of their parents' lives. We do live in a material world (stay away from the Madonna joke). Do you recall the parents who tried to auction off the naming rights to their child?

Thankfully there were no takers...which proves how wrong of an idea it was if even big business won't touch it!

So I beg you, future parents, take this seriously. Besides, there are a ton of great names that are rare enough for individuality, but not complete mockery.

Like Wade!

:-)

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