Death to Gambitron!
- Alex
I have a secret that I've been keeping from you all this whole time. It pains me to admit it, but I haven't actually been writing
Gambits at all this whole time. Shocking, no?
You see, way back last winter some time, Wade came up with a bunch of sweeping changes he proposed we implement for the site. And
since I'd rather just let him have his little dreams than argue with him, I just ok'ed them all. Even the wild idea that one of us
actually write something each and every weekday for the site. Now you may be saying "hey - twice a week for two weeks, and then
once on the third week ain't so bad", but then you've never done it, have you? HAVE YOU?! Yeah, that's what I thought.
Plus, I'm quite lazy.
So, instead of spending my hard-earned free time thinking of things that I could write in advance, I decided that there had to be
something more useful I could do... like daydream about what might happen if a
giant smurf came to devour us all. And play some Final Fantasy. But then in a moment of clarity, I remembered that I had an old
punch card computer stored away in the basement... you remember - the kind where you programmed them with a mind numbing array of
punch cards that had to be inserted sequentially. Yeah, I thought so.
So I set to work designing the best Gambit writing robot I could. It was a mountainous task (please, for the love of God, don't
get me started about the hanging chads), but I prevailed. I named him Gambitron 9000, for that is how many cards it took. The
very first gambit went off without a hitch - Gamby-9 (as I playfully called him) even mentioned MacGyver. I was so proud of the little
guy, it felt like I'd given him a bit of my own consciousness.
(Now some of you may be wondering how you could have failed to see the Gambitron 9000 at my house, and I ask you... you don't really
think I vaccuum, do you? Yeah, I thought it was a clever disguise, too.)
Unfortunately, the Gambitron has been going downhill for a while now. There was that day in March where he failed completely, and
some lackluster articles since then... culminating in Tuesday's little gambit... where he mocked a knuckleballer, and insinuated a
Yankees victory - two things I would never do. Sure, I beat him with a baseball bat ("Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain?!"),
but that did little to improve the situation, and as of today he shut down for good. Sang me a nice little rendition of Daisy
while he was at it. Personally, I think uploading the Smurf picture scared him too, but what do I know?
So for better or for worse, you're stuck with me from here on out. I hope you all can handle it...
What do you think? Drop us a line at webmaster@simpleprop.com and give us some
feedback. Maybe we'll even run your letters in future Gambits. 'The Daily Gambit' is updated every weekday.
