Go Yankees!
- Wade
Aaaah, baseball. The lovable Twins take on the hate-able Yankees today at noon in Game 1 of the American League Division Series. I, like all rational human beings, hate the Yankees. I suppose I can let someone get away with being a Yankees fan if he/she grew up in New York City, but even that's stretching it. (The only reason I capitulate here is fear of Chelle kicking me with her leg brace.)
But really... how can you like the Yankees? As the esteemed Jim Caple once said, it's like rooting for Bill Gates to win the lottery. With some fire in the belly, I searched online for some good examples of Yankee hatred. There's really quite a bit out there, here's the best of what I found-- a little dated but still hee-larious (courtesy yanks-suck.com):
1) Derek Jeter. Is this
guy really that good looking?
I don't get it. Perhaps I'm jealous, or perhaps I'm
letting my hatred of his team blind me, but I really
think I'm being objective when I say that this guy
looks like a f*cking alien. Tino Martinez? Not a bad
looking dude. Paul O'Neill? Handsome, I'd say, in a
rugged, alcoholic Irish sense. But Jeter? I mean,
c'mon. If the guy wasn't
a baseball player and he was
hanging out in some sh*tty a$$ under-17 club in
Rockland County, not one girl in the bar would turn
her head unless they thought someone was filming
Cocoon 3.
2) Joe Torre. Yeah we get it. You're a nice guy. A
good manager. You cry when your team wins. But who the
fu#k picks their nose this much? My mom says it's
unfair to have a camera on you in the dugout when you
don't know
people are watching. Agreed. Yet, you could have a
camera on me 24 hours a day and
maybe you catch me picking a boog three
times. This
guy does it six times every half hour. Buy yourself a
kleenex you ugly creep. He looks like
someone who might molest my little
cousin on
Halloween. People who look like him are
the reason my mom used to go through
my Halloween
candy to make sure there were no razor blades.
3) Luis Sojo. Yeah, this
guy's awesome. He looks like
he should be a busboy at the Burrito Loco. If this guy
eats one more chalupa he's gonna f*cking explode.
4) Jose Vizcaino. He
should be working with Luis Sojo.
Nice glasses dipsh%t.
5) Roger Clemens. This guy's a piece of work. They
say
he's not a "real Yankee." That the rest of the Yankees
shouldn't be judged by his idiotic
personality/behavior/mentality. Bull
* . He's the
prototypical Yankee. A mercenary superstar who only
cares about money and acts like a total
a$$hole. He should be the new Yankees
logo. Get rid of
the "NY" symbol. Just a giant picture of Clemens
throwing shattered bats at players and hitting them in
the heads with 100 mile an hour baseballs. And Kissing
Babe Ruth's monument
before the game? F- you Clemens. I hope the monument
has herpes.
6) Bernie Williams. Here's a pretty guy. Not only did
he fall off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the
way down, but then he hit the ground and got really
disfigured. And to compensate for his looks, he's got
the most
outgoing personality this side of Adam Hirschberg.
This is a guy you can really get
behind and root for.
7) Andy Pettite.
Kind of like him actually. Still a
homo.
8) El Duque. Oh don't even get me started here. The
Cuban refugee. What a story! For the rest of the year,
every night before I go to bed, I promise to fall to
my knees and pray to God that this guy gets deported
and spends the
rest of his days rotting away in a Cuban jail cell
decorated only with posters of Fidel Castro and
cigars. And what kind of name is El Duque? I'd like to
make a big Duque in his mouth-ue.
9) Mariano Rivera. Hate this guy as much
as any of the
others. Maybe he should try eating something. This
dude spits and loses six pounds. I heard someone
poured champagne on him after they won and he slid
down a sewer
drain and drowned.
10) Yankee fans. Without bias, I find
you all to be
the most insuferable, fair weather, ignorant fans in
the world. Know this: no matter how many championships
you win, you have a BORING, UNLIKABLE, UN-EXCITING
TEAM. If I was
a Yankee fan myself I would find it hard to root for
them. May they all rot in hell.
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feedback. Maybe we'll even run your letters in future Gambits. 'The Daily Gambit' is updated every weekday.
