Bad Movie Week - Freejack

"Freejack" is one of those movies that was on HBO about a billion times our senior year of High School. It always got a groan every time we flipped on HBO at wadE's place. I mean really, who wants to see Mick Jagger's face that much? Other than that, I can't remember anything about it. So when I saw the DVD in the bargain bin at Best Buy on Monday, naturally it aroused my curiosity. Turns out there are actually some actors in there that I've heard of. Who knew? Anthony Hopkins, Rene Russo, ... umm... Emilio Estevez... ok, so the talent runs downhill quickly. And Estevez and Jagger get the biggest billing. Still, it's a sci-fi movie about time travel, so maybe there'll be some redeeming special effects. Then again, it did come out in 1992... so I threw in the DVD and watched... here's a stream of consciousness review while I watch...

First tidbit of the night... the movie is based on a book called "Immortality, Inc", by Robert Sheckley. A quick Google search gets me a synopsis... looks like "based on" means that they took the first chapter from the book and then re-wrote from there. Not surprising, though...

Ooh... I'd like to oficially nominate Amanda Plummer as a "That Girl". Now there are all sorts of That Guys, but with women I tend to think you either recognize them as stars, or you don't. Perhaps there just aren't as many great small roles for women, I don't know... but I say that Amanda Plummer qualifies. Don't know who she is, do you? How about if I say she was in "Pulp Fiction"? Answered to "Hunny Bunny" in that movie. Ringing a bell now? I thought so. She's a That Girl. And she's in... Freejack. As a nun. Good for her.

Ok, near as I can tell so far... Estevez stars as race car driver "Alex" (best thing about the movie so far), who is snatched out of his race car moments before he crashes, and transported into the future by Jagger, who's supposed to deliver him to become a new body for an old man. Only Emilio escapes and becomes a "Freejack"... which apparently means he's been hijacked, but now he's free. (I'm guessing). The moral seems to be that the future ain't that great, and that people will do anything to prolong their lives, even stealing bodies from the past. That's some revelation...

Estevez as an action hero... just doesn't work. He has the exact same range of expression in every movie he's ever been in. I might as well be watching "Men at Work"... at least in that one there's the guy who looks like Jeremy Jacobsen, and the great scene with the taser... ok, I'm rambling...

Mick Jagger's certainly ugly enough to be a villain... if only it didn't sound like he was putting on an awful British accent. I mean, I know he isn't, but it sounds like he is. And it doesn't fit at all with the movie. Where everyone else speaks completely unaccented American english. Did the producers get together and decide that what they needed to really convey the right amount of bounty hunter-ism was a truly ripping British accent? I want some answers here...

I'm a villain! Honest!

Ok it's gotten to the point where I'm trying to think of another bad HBO movie that was on all the time... similar to this one. Starred an incredibly ugly guy, in the future, who needed to kill people to make a drug that would keep him from aging... can't for the life of me figure out what it's called. I'm hoping wadE can help me. But it's better than watching *this* movie. I think Anthony Hopkins just mailed in his one scene. I don't know how he even got billing as an actor in this movie for that...

"Get me a roll of stamps!"

Ok, ok, so Hopkins has a scene and a half... and Estevez is now shirtless. Repeat, shirtless. Why oh why is he shirtless? This is ridiculous... he's no more a sex symbol than he is an action star...

It's Billy the Kid!

Picky question... how come Rene Russo didn't age noticeably while 18 years of story time passed? Details, people...

The cops in this movie have the aim of storm troopers. I think it's some kind of sci fi law that authority figures shooting laser-based weapons aren't ever actually trained to shoot...

I'd like to say that I zoned out or fell asleep or beat myself into a coma with a couch cushion and missed the rest of the movie. But I didn't. I will, however, spare you all from having to read any more. Well, ok, the blue screen work at the end where they go into Hopkins's mind is especially excruciating... particularly with the whole consciousness transferring machine apparently being contained within a giant "jack" (that's so not clever)... anyway... Here's what I'll say about "Freejack": Bad times. It's bad times. You can laugh *at* it, but it really doesn't do anything for me otherwise. The best thing about the last two hours was that Katie called and interrupted me from watching for a bit. Heh. I'll rate this one lower than "My Giant"... not on merit, merely because it doesn't have any good associations or Rick Moranis-related jokes to go with it.

In other news...

Have you seen the news from down in Florida? There's been a goat born there with a strange birthmark on its side. You see, it's shaped like the number three. The owners have named it "Lil' Dale", and while it's certainly not a shock to me, some people have gone so far as to claim it is the reincarnated soul of Dale Earnhardt. I'll be satisfied if the Earnhardt family sues... but it really is quite a remarkable number three.

Oh wait... I do have a request... when the goat dies, will someone please make a bumper sticker that reads "God needed a hollow-horned ruminant"? Thanks.

7/05/2002