Even More Old Emails

It's time to lay down the law a bit here in the preamble. No, I haven't written very much outside of the Gambit for this site in quite some time. While I'm flattered that people have even noticed, I have to say that in the past ten months my life has become quite different, and I've been using my spare time in different ways. That's not to say I haven't intended to write more for SP, just that I haven't gotten it done. I'll be trying to change that, so just bear with me. In the meantime, you could always mosey on over to the Forum and check out the comings and goings there. I'm guaranteed to write something at least once a day there. I'd love it if some new people came to play along. Heck, if you did, then I wouldn't have to run these columns, because all the fun would be instantly public in the forum! Ah well... Now, on with your regularly scheduled column...

Okeydokey... let's look at things this way: when you don't clean out your email for 11 months, you tend to build up a lot of very funny things in the backlogs. You also tend to go blind when it's time to actually clean out the cruft, but them's the shakes. So what you're about to read is the funniest of the funny (at least as I see it) of what was left after I cleaned house. In order to make things somewhat legible from here on out, when I'm either making a comment, or including one of my original emails I will make the text red and italicized. Make sense? I hope so. So, without further adieu...

Oops, quick pre-script (but post-proofread) note: Many of the links that will be included in this will not work, which is why I'm not bothering to HTML-ize them. Such is the transitory nature of the internet. Here today, gone tomorrow.

Hmm, yes, that font color will do nicely. Carry on.

From: The Kid Sis

Still making my way through this one. And loving it, I might add, as a longtime fan of the karate kid movies myself. And I've always been partial to the third one (most notably the worst) and I'm not sure why. I think it's the kata. He busts out at the end like he just learned some new tai chi moves at the Y and it totally confuses the enemy and puts him into a trance. It's so ridiculous.

-----Original Message-----
From: Alex

http://espn.go.com/page2/movies/s/simmons/020830.html

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: Re: rubes...

Kids these days. With their hippin and their hoppin and their bippin and their boppin.

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: Re: you'll be happy to know

"Hi, this is ----- ------- over in Holland Hall. I just tried to put a grilled cheese sandwich in my scanner and now it's not working so well. Is there a upgrade patch or something that I need?"

From: The Kid Sis
(Regarding the Second Season of 24)

"The following takes place between 8:00am to 9:00am on another horrible meaningless day since the one where I was responsible for the death of my wife."

My friend Sarah Mo signed off her email with the following:

So be good. Wear your seatbelt. Eat yummy vegetables.
:)smo

She's always saying things like that. Basically, she rocks. I should email her back. Ha.

From: Bounce
Subject: Figured you guys would get a kick out of this...

This was tucked in some sweepstakes rules I was modifying for a current event... The promotion in question was the NHL no less...

If winner is a Canadian resident, he/she will be required to correctly answer a time-limited arithmetical skill question before being awarded a prize.

It's a Canadian word problem, though. "Two kegs of Molson roll down a hill. One is half-full, and rolls down the hill in 3.5 seconds. The second is completely full and rolls down the hill in 2 seconds. Calculate the slope of the hill, and how drunk Donny got in setting up the test."

-----Original Message-----
From: Alex
Subject:

then he got an idea. an awful idea. the grinch got a wonderful, awful idea.

i just had one of those. for the next lord of the rings movie.

a cameo. robin williams.

mork the orc.

"nanoo nanoo" *sword thrust*

"mork calling saruman, mork calling saruman, come in saruman..."

yes, i'm on crack. shut up.

-------------

Ok, so, JT and Bounce's response:

From: JT
Subject: RE: (no subject)

olaf is all about drinking at work!

you have to remember, this is the guy who's been pushing for "batmanplicity" for years...

-----Original Message-----
From: Bounce
Subject: Re: (no subject)

Didn't realize Olaf was big on drinking at work.

And then, Trent's response:

as long as johnathan winters isn't also appearing in his diaper, i'd be ok with that script change. maybe it could be one of those not-so-subliminal frames in the movie. like the naked people in 'fight club'

From: #F
(Passing along a message he'd just received)

I am sorry to say I cannot make today's meeting. I am feeling unwell and still at home.

Wish you guys go smooth with it.

It's worth noting that I sprang this back on him a week or so ago and his response was: "What's that from?".

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: Re: birthdays!

I like that the bar The Smiling Moose here is now just The Moose. They literally just put a big X through the "smiling" part of the sign. I wonder who pissed off the moose...

From: Kent
Subject: RE: Iowa...

===== Original Message From Alex =====
http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/internet/03/05/offbeat.big.cheeto/index.html

Home of the World's Biggest Chee-to.

You all must be so proud. :)

We're number 1! We're number 1! :-)

Well, at least it's not a news story about corn or cows or pigs. I don't mind seeing any press about Iowa that doesn't deepen the stereotype that this state is one big farm.

P.S.: Mmmmm...Chee-tos.

From: Matty S

Here, as promised, the Onion link to the DFW break-up letter. good stuff.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3906/girlfriend_stops_reading.html

Excellent stuff, if you've read any DFW, or at least any of his fiction.

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: RE: ooooooooooo!

I'm typing on this patient who's real last name is Batman. I kid you not. Awesome!

From: #F
Subject: RE: MONKAEYE

So I'm dropping off gear at my WCAL boss' house, and her kid comes up to us with something to say:
kid: "I want to go to Hudson Bay."
mom: "Well that sounds like fun. What sorts of things wpould you bring with you to Hudson Bay?"
kid: "Curious George."
mom: "Oh, ok. Anything else?"
kid: "Monkeys."

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: RE: ugh

Yeah I have no idea what you're talking about (angel) but I was tempted to watch because Faith was going to be on and I love me some Faith but then it takes so much effort to remember to tape things and David Boranwhatever's head looks like a mutated fetus so...

I thought that Cuba movie looked good in a chill factor sort of way. Too bad we can't get free movies anymore.

I have to wonder if this even makes sense to anyone else, but hey, it makes me laugh. Plus, "Good in a Chill Factor sort of way" has to be the most backhanded compliment I've heard in a while.

From: wadE
Subject: W

At the White House, officials said that just before Bush addressed the nation, he pumped his fist, winked, and said "I feel good." He then delivered his address, which lasted four minutes.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/meast/03/20/sprj.irq.target.saddam/index.html

that's nice... "pumped his fist"?

"The President then said, 'Yee-haw!!!', removed his six-shooters from their holsters and shot them into the ground, thus levitating him momentarily."

- B. Bunny

"Mr. Ridge, we've located a ridiculer."

From: Matt McNugget
which is correct?
a ream of paper
or
a reem of paper

thanks! I like your writing the best on Simple Prop (don't tell the wades) so I thought you'd know.

feeling dumb, matt

Poor Matty, you had to know I'd out you eventually on that statement, didn't you?

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: Re:

what kind of crack do they sell you in the land of cows, colleges and contentment?

From: Alex
To: Wade

War! Saw! Good God yah! Le-eh-ech Walensa! Cap-i-tal of Poland! Say it again! Ha!

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: Re: Fudd-rific

I'm Feewing Wucky!

http://www.google.com/intl/xx-elmer/

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: Re: your pitcher's afraid of chickens

isn't everyone afraid of chickens?

do you guys know the story about me being chased by my neighbor's rooster in austin in '98?

From: Alex
Subject: your pitcher's afraid of chickens

"Ramon Ortiz jumped in his locker," says Scioscia. "He was holding on to the walls and yelling, in Spanish, 'get that big chicken away from me!' "

http://espn.go.com/mlb/columns/kurkjian_tim/1533124.html

(I still haven't been told the story, Wade. Put it in a Gambit.)

From: The Kid Sis

24 was such a soap opera last night. They could have changed miguel on us, and I never would have known. And really, what would have been funnier than a Kiefer voiceover saying, "the part of miguel will now be played by bronson pinchot." ?

Indeed.

From: wadE
Subject: yesterday's search strings

the second one made me pee my pants...

    1: snl spartan cheerleader pictures
    1: alec baldwin career in shitter
    1: miscoined words by president bush
    1: gerald tibbins snl
    1: gerald tibbins
    1: good day la crew rod steve tony
    1: emmett's fixit shop
    1: image of people talking
	

Date: Thu, 17 Apr 2003 06:22:35 -0700
From: Matthew.McNugget

You heard it here first. Detroit Tigers 2003 record 43-119.

They were. There goes your 15 minutes of fame, Matt. A good seven minutes of it, anyway.

From: #F

So Nicole was hanging around in my office this morning, trying to avoid studying for an exam she had a couple hours later:

"I need something to occupy my time... a simple prop..."

That's brand recognition, baby!

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: Re: pac man board game

I had a friend who had this game. We got bored with it pretty quick and ended up using the marbles to peg Cobras from a distance...

Come see the violence inherent in the system! Come see the violence inherent in the system!

Umm... cobras? In Austin? Hello? And for a guy who makes fun of the LOTR movies, you've quoted quite a nerdy example there, Anderson.

From: Pete

charred underside sloop john b nautical tragedy,
Pete

You see, there's a card game called... nevermind.

From: Trent

that's hilarious! "why haven't they interrogated shoe bert?". that and the description of the theatre were great. don't know if we'll netflix the movie or not. i am getting used to keifer killing people though... now if he'd just kill sherry palmer, my tuesday night would involve a lot less of me yelling "somebody kill that bitch!" at the tv.

At the TV. Right.

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: okay, ducks

do you think maybe emilio estevez is to the mighty ducks what the rally monkey is to the angels? The can bring him out (shirtless, maybe) in a little cage by the ice and let him jump around.

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: RE: yo

Oh my god. This is a total christopher guest spoof. This is too good to be true. Ah, you know me so well it's as though you grew my funny yourself.

link

I wish this link were still active... not that I remember what it was, I only remember giggling a lot.

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: limeys

actual transcript from House of Lords debate on unsolicited e-mails:

Lord Renton: My Lords, will the Minister explain how it is that an inedible tinned food that lasted for ever and was supplied to those on active service can become an unsolicited e-mail, bearing in mind that some of us wish to be protected from having an e-mail?

Lord Faulkner of Worcester: My Lords, I can help the Minister with the origin of the word. It comes from aficionados of Monty Python, and the famous song, "Spam, spam, spam, spam". It has been picked up by the Internet community and is used as a description of rubbish on the Internet.

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: RE: let the bears pay the bear tax

http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/ads/sos.html

Oh, man. This is the best thing. Ever.

I would have to agree. And you can't beat the reference in the subject line... which I think may have been an actual reference to an actual bear in one of the suburbs. But I digress...

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: giants

so the giants' catcher -- he's like 50 years old, no?

(That would be Benito Santiago, for the record.)

And then, in a follow-up to my response:

When he took off his mask to try to throw guzman out at third, I thought it was morgan freeman.

From: #F

"You want something to drink?"
"Beer, Scotch, Juicebox. Whatever."

From: The Kid Sis

Wolves lose Nesterovic, sign Olowokandi

A success if we were looking to trade up on vowels.

No idea what I said in response, but the follow-up was:

and even that's a stretch.

But really, what's better than "donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey"? Not too damn much.

To which I really can't argue...

From: Wade Anderson
Subject: Re: you!

gawd. that's scary. i now know what i will look like when i'm 87 and senile.

Actual Functional Link to a Funny Picture

Funniest thing wadE ever made me do...

From: Bounce
Subject: RE: tee-hee

You see the story where the carnie died after his mullet got caught in the roller coaster? Good times...

From: The Kid Sis
Subject: Re: coming up on TCM:

that's most beautiful thing I've read all day!

Thank you!

Hee.
--- Alex wrote:

"Ukranian farmers pool their resources to buy a community tractor in 'Earth'!"

I'm not kidding.

From: Wade A
Subject: RE: SG

didn't you see it??

wadE and i watched, trot asked for time and in the batter's box the lord *actually occupied* his body. didn't you see the shaved head turn into flowing locks? the mizunos become sandals? the jersey become a robe?

that jesus... they always said that he could crank high and tight pitches... the savior's wheelhouse, if you will.

Oh, I will.

From: wadE
Subject: RE: oy vey

ah Mr. Anderson... express elevator to hell... going down!

but it's a funny express elevator to hell!

--- "Anderson, Wade A." wrote:

"Oh, it's Jeetah coming up. God, he's adorable, for a goy. And Boynee Williams? He's got a heiny like a gefilte fish. Feh!"

-----Original Message-----
From: Michelle

Okay, the question is... if we end up with a Marlins/Yankees series, will the Marlins have any fans? Honestly, South Florida is populated with retired Jewish New Yorkers who just go to marlins games because they only go to the bronx for Christmas.

From: #F
Subject: what?

Neil Peart, in the liner notes to the Rio dvd:
"... the same was true in Brazil: apparently 'Closer to the Heart' was our most popular song there too (though we were told 'Tom Sawyer' was used on Brazilian television as the theme song for 'McGyver').
(That's what we said, 'What?')"

That's what I'm saying too.

From: Faber

Dude,
Fat Revenge is coming... You don't want to be there buddy... Fat revenge is probably the most vile of all the revenges...

From: Bounce
Subject: Courtesy of the Onion...

Hasbro Pledges Additional 30 Marbles For Hippo-Hunger Relief

PAWTUCKET, RI-With global famine worsening, Hasbro pledged an additional 30 white marbles Monday to hippo-hunger relief efforts. "To see those starving, starving hippos just lying there, not knowing if they will ever get another chance to click and clack for life-giving marbles-it's too much for anyone to bear," Hasbro spokeswoman Lisa Reiderer said. "We cannot stand idly by while these sweet plastic creatures slowly die. It is up to all of us to get the most marbles for our hippos."